vanitashaze

[fic] Atlas, Chapter 14: Seven Days in Zaib (Dry Season)

Sat, 06 Jul 2019 07:12:25 GMT

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: currently 156k

Fandom: Voltron: Legendary Defender

Pairings: Matt/Shiro, Shiro/Allura, Matt/Shiro/Allura

Tags: Future Fic, Sadism, Masochism, PTSD, Long-Distance Relationship, Epistolary, BDSM, Sub Sharing, Risk Aware Consensual Kink, Better Living and Psychological Healing Through Kinky Polyamory, Agender Character, Nonbinary Character, VLD is a war story that doesn't want to be a war story, Sibling Relationships, Trauma Recovery, Substance Abuse, Aromantic Character, Bisexual Character, Aromantic Relationship, Romantic Relationship, Canon Disabled Character, Mental Health Issues, Alien Gender/Sexuality, Alien Culture, Polyamory, Non-Equilateral Triangle, Threesome - F/M/M, Relationship Negotiation, Metamours, Politics, No Goats This Time But There is a Lizard, This is Actually a Happy Story I Promise

Warnings: See end notes for each chapter.

Summary: this is a callout post @ mattholt

#you know why

Along the way to becoming a person again, Matt acquires a Cat, a crop, a Plan, two long distance relationships, a taste for the local tabletop roleplay game, and reluctantly, friends.

Chapter 14 is live! Read it on Ao3.

This is part of the How the Dead Live series, a sub-series taking place in the Alabanza 'verse.

comments

Read in the last three weeks

Fri, 21 Jun 2019 01:51:10 GMT

Victorious by V.E. Schwab
Somewhere Only We Know by Maureen Goo
Cibola Burn by James S.A. Corey (man it was a slog for the first two thirds, but I managed it!)

comments

The newest obsession

Fri, 15 Mar 2019 17:14:34 GMT

FULLMETAL ALCHEMISTTTTTTTTTTTTTT (Brotherhood)

Everyone is my fave, but especially Roy Mustang and Riza Hawkeye, because. Well. You probably know why. (I get the sense that they’re kinda everyone’s Problematic Faves.)

And now there is is a somewhat atypical Maes/sex worker!Roy fic in the works because I find both Maes and his relationship Roy absolutely fascinating. He’s a total Problematic Fave masquerading as a cinnamon roll, an arguable war criminal who it seems settled easily back into civilian life, a pragmatic spy and killer who’s also a devoted friend and family man... Yeah. His POV is fun.

comments

[fic] Atlas, Chapter 13: Written Warning

Tue, 05 Mar 2019 05:22:52 GMT

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: currently 143k

Fandom: Voltron: Legendary Defender

Pairings: Matt/Shiro, Shiro/Allura, Matt/Shiro/Allura

Tags: Future Fic, Sadism, Masochism, PTSD, Long-Distance Relationship, Epistolary, BDSM, Sub Sharing, Risk Aware Consensual Kink, Better Living and Psychological Healing Through Kinky Polyamory, Agender Character, Nonbinary Character, VLD is a war story that doesn't want to be a war story, Sibling Relationships, Trauma Recovery, Substance Abuse, Aromantic Character, Bisexual Character, Aromantic Relationship, Romantic Relationship, Canon Disabled Character, Mental Health Issues, Alien Gender/Sexuality, Alien Culture, Polyamory, Non-Equilateral Triangle, Threesome - F/M/M, Relationship Negotiation, Metamours, Politics, No Goats This Time But There is a Lizard, This is Actually a Happy Story I Promise

Warnings: See end notes for each chapter.

Summary: this is a callout post @ mattholt

#you know why

Along the way to becoming a person again, Matt acquires a Cat, a crop, a Plan, two long distance relationships, a taste for the local tabletop roleplay game, and reluctantly, friends.

Chapter 13 is live! Read it on Ao3.

This is part of the How the Dead Live series, a sub-series taking place in the Alabanza 'verse.

comments

Scoot Jr.? Zip?

Sat, 02 Mar 2019 21:57:31 GMT

I bought an EZ Lite folding power wheelchair last week. It's a weird thing to be self-conscious of considering that I already have a mobility scooter, but it feels like a step that I don't deserve to take somehow, like disability is something I'm just playing dress-up in instead of something that hugely affects my life and the choices I make every day and will definitely affect my experience on the trip that I'm going on in May. Maybe it's that being a part-time ambulatory wheelchair user is so much scarier than being a part-time ambulatory scooter user and I'm afraid that people will think I'm faking and get angry at me when I stand up and walk a bit. I don't think my family is very supportive of it, even though I've explained that taking Scoot on public transit is awful and it breaks down into pieces but can't lift them in and out of a car by myself and thus the circumstances in which Scoot is really useable are limited.

I guess I can comfort myself with the fact that the chair is a $2,300 model that I got for $150 plus another $100 to repair the left wheel motor and get new tires, which is objectively a fantastic deal and I can probably resell it if it turns out that I don't/can't use it -- it's not a terribly powerful motor and it's really designed more for indoor use than the outdoor use I need it for, but I'll take it for a proper test drive once the new motor gets here and we'll see.

comments

[fic] Atlas, Chapter 12: Tize

Sat, 02 Mar 2019 17:44:50 GMT

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: currently 141k

Fandom: Voltron: Legendary Defender

Pairings: Matt/Shiro, Shiro/Allura, Matt/Shiro/Allura

Tags: Future Fic, Sadism, Masochism, PTSD, Long-Distance Relationship, Epistolary, BDSM, Sub Sharing, Risk Aware Consensual Kink, Better Living and Psychological Healing Through Kinky Polyamory, Agender Character, Nonbinary Character, VLD is a war story that doesn't want to be a war story, Sibling Relationships, Trauma Recovery, Substance Abuse, Aromantic Character, Bisexual Character, Aromantic Relationship, Romantic Relationship, Canon Disabled Character, Mental Health Issues, Alien Gender/Sexuality, Alien Culture, Polyamory, Non-Equilateral Triangle, Threesome - F/M/M, Relationship Negotiation, Metamours, Politics, No Goats This Time But There is a Lizard, This is Actually a Happy Story I Promise

Warnings: See end notes for each chapter.

Summary: this is a callout post @ mattholt

#you know why

Along the way to becoming a person again, Matt acquires a Cat, a crop, a Plan, two long distance relationships, a taste for the local tabletop roleplay game, and reluctantly, friends.

Chapter 12 is live! Read it on Ao3.

This is part of the How the Dead Live series, a sub-series taking place in the Alabanza 'verse.

comments

I used to have stamina, right? Right.

Sat, 02 Mar 2019 17:40:57 GMT

Gotta love the days when you have just enough energy to be high-functioning while getting ready in the morning and then crash as soon as you leave the house for a 10-hour day of work. Have I mentioned that I hate chronic fatigue? I feel like it's the only thing I blog about these days, but this level of exhaustion is all-consuming -- mentally, physically, emotionally -- and it's the only thing I can think about when I even have the energy to think. At least the newest chapter of Atlas was mostly already written when this latest flare-up hit and I only need to blurt out a few remaining sections.

comments

Very important My Hero Academia feelings

Sun, 24 Feb 2019 23:02:37 GMT

The past week has been a) fatigue, and b) finally watching My Hero Academia, and I will just say: I LOVE EVERYONE IN THIS BAR (except maybe Bakugou but I’m giving him time to prove me wrong) AND TENYA IIDA DESERVES MUCH MORE LOVE FROM FANDOM THAN HE GETS BECAUSE HE IS THE bEST bOY!!!! CLASS REP!!! EMERGENCY EXIT MAN!!! and I may have to take a short diversion from Atlas to write a MHA fic but Japanese cultural context aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh

comments

Brains Gone Wild!

Sat, 23 Feb 2019 18:30:11 GMT

Weird migraine things: feeling like the right side of your face is melting off your skull even though you know that it absolutely isn’t. Also, muscle spasms so bad that you look like the top half of you is having a seizure while you’re walking to work. I’m continually amused at how determined city dwellers are to just Not See weird stuff, but there are a lot of homeless people in this neighborhood, so I suppose people are used to ignoring people who are acting strangely or asking them for money.

comments

Read in the last two weeks

Sun, 17 Feb 2019 18:43:21 GMT

Inside Rehab by Anne M. Fletcher
A Colony in a Nation by Chris Hayes
Sugar Run by Mesha Marin
Pym by Mat Johnson

Not a super long list, but considering my difficulties with actually finishing books, I’m pretty proud of this so far. I tried to read For Real by Alexis Hall too, but I just wandered off in the middle of the book — it grabbed me for the first fifty pages or so and then let me go.

comments

Wow, I’m pretty terrible about this updating regularly thing

Sat, 16 Feb 2019 18:14:37 GMT

It’s weird how the platform dictates posting habits — I used to post fairly regularly ish on LJ back in the day when that was just how things went, but ever since using Tumblr I’ve gotten into the habit of just reblogging other people’s content and not creating my own. Possibly because my life is... uh, not that interesting. Bad brains mean that I’m largely withdrawing from the world even as I’m trying hard not to, but I just don’t have the energy to do much other than function and go to work in the evenings and write Atlas and occasionally do the social thing and go to physical therapy and brain therapy, which as I write it I realize is a lot, but I still can’t shake the feeling that I should be doing more. I used to be able to do a lot more. It feels weird to say I’m still in mourning for who I used to be and the life I led, because a) I wasn’t happy then either, and b) I’m actually better than I was even last year, if not back to where I was. I want to believe that I can get to a place where I’m satisfied with my life. Is that so much to ask of the universe? Or of myself?

In exciting news, I might be going back to school in the fall, though! I’m strongly considering becoming an occupational therapy assistant. So that’s cool.

comments

[fic] Fiat

Tue, 08 Jan 2019 05:56:59 GMT

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 20k

Fandom: Voltron: Legendary Defender

Pairings: Shiro/Allura, Matt/Shiro (secondary)

Tags: Established Relationship, Future Fic, Kid Fic, BDSM, D/s, Gender Issues, Consent Issues, Politics, Agender Character, Canon Disabled Character, Royalty Roleplay, Oviposition, Collars, Better Living and Psychological Healing Through Kinky Polyamory, Alien Gender/Sexuality, Alien Culture, The Tags Make This Fic Sound Like It Has a Very Different Plot Than It Does, Polyamory, Alien Biology, Family Issues, Parenthood, Come for the Kinky Smut Stay for the Politics, To Be Clear This is Not Mpreg

Warnings: See end notes.

Summary: "This should have been gold," Allura murmurs as she fastens the collar around Shiro's throat. "Solid gold, warm to the touch. That's what you would have had, had you been my imperial consort."

Shiro and Allura both want things that they're not supposed to want. Shiro, surprisingly, is the one who's okay with that.

Read it on Ao3.

comments

[fic] Atlas, Chapter 11: The Rest of Bem (Rainy Season)

Tue, 08 Jan 2019 05:43:05 GMT

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: currently 109k

Fandom: Voltron: Legendary Defender

Pairings: Matt/Shiro, Shiro/Allura, Matt/Shiro/Allura

Tags: Future Fic, Sadism, Masochism, PTSD, Long-Distance Relationship, Epistolary, BDSM, Sub Sharing, Risk Aware Consensual Kink, Better Living and Psychological Healing Through Kinky Polyamory, Agender Character, Nonbinary Character, VLD is a war story that doesn't want to be a war story, Sibling Relationships, Trauma Recovery, Substance Abuse, Aromantic Character, Bisexual Character, Aromantic Relationship, Romantic Relationship, Canon Disabled Character, Mental Health Issues, Alien Gender/Sexuality, Alien Culture, Polyamory, Non-Equilateral Triangle, Threesome - F/M/M, Relationship Negotiation, Metamours, Politics, No Goats This Time But There is a Lizard, This is Actually a Happy Story I Promise

Warnings: See end notes for each chapter.

Summary: this is a callout post @ mattholt

#you know why

Along the way to becoming a person again, Matt acquires a Cat, a crop, a Plan, two long distance relationships, a taste for the local tabletop roleplay game, and reluctantly, friends.

Chapter 11 is live! Read it on Ao3.

This is part of the How the Dead Live series, a sub-series taking place in the Alabanza 'verse.

comments

New Years Resolutions

Fri, 04 Jan 2019 04:21:00 GMT

Really, 2018 has been a shit year. My physical health is better than it was in 2017, but I'm still not in the living situation I want to be in, my social circle is way too small, I'm vastly underemployed at a job that doesn't pay well and I find really stressful, my country is doing horrible and horrific things and I feel pretty much powerless to do anything about it, and my mental health was worse overall this year than anything other than whatever the fuck 2013-2014 was. It's hard to be optimistic about anything, and while I know that there's a way out of the cycle I'm in, I have no idea how to find it and get out. But I'll try my hand at these resolution things anyway, if only to put it on public record that I said I'd do some things.

1. Find some way to be more politically involved. Even if it's small, it's better than nothing. I can't fix everything and I shouldn't expect myself to, but I can do some work somewhere.
2. Volunteer more. Once a month, at least.
3. Take an audition workshop and then actually start auditioning for things once the current season is over. And don't accept any more fucking board op jobs!
4. Do at least one embroidery project a month.
5. Finish Atlas and continue working on the Alabanza series.
6. Actually write the Homecoming play.
7. Actually write the pilot episode of the unnamed Yet Another Fucking High School TV Show.
8. Make some damn money. VIPKids, Say ABC, temp jobs, Starbucks, whatever, but find a hustle and do it.
9. I don't know what I can do about my mental health beyond what I'm already doing, but I have to do something.
10. Go to more social events -- D&D nights, book club, volunteer groups, reconnect with old friends, whatever -- at least twice a month.
11. Be kinder to myself. I'm not where I should be, I'm not where I want to be, but I'm where I am, and getting angry about that doesn't help anyone.

comments

Lessons learned from writing Atlas

Fri, 28 Dec 2018 21:54:54 GMT

Things I have learned while essentially writing a novel (Atlas):

1. Subplots are hard, especially ones centered around relationships, not action.
2. Pacing is hard in a fic that spans a year, not a few days or even a few hours (which is most of my fics).
3. Editing is even harder. This fic should be 30% tighter than it is.
4. OCs are fun.
5. I really like writing about food.
6. I really like writing about gender.
7. Many more people are into reading scenes from the submissive masochist POV than the dominant sadist POV (at least that I can infer from readership and Ao3 tags). Personal theory: because there's so much moral ~stuff in being a sadist that there isn't in being a masochist, people don't want to entertain the idea that they could have a sadistic streak, and the popular idea of sadists being dirtybadwrong psychopaths instead of (in my experience) kink dorks who get really! excited! about toys and techniques colors the fic that people write and want to read. (Not that there isn't something appealing in dirtybadwrong sometimes, but that's not representative of sadism as a whole.)
8. I HAVE A LOT OF SADISM FEELINGS OK?
9. Did I mention editing is hard?

comments

Sat, 22 Dec 2018 21:39:16 GMT

I thought that after two years of using mobility aids of increasing levels (cane, then forearm crutches, then mobility scooter, recently rollator) I'd gotten over the internalized shame and self-consciousness of using them, but I apparently haven't, especially around people who know me and especially now that I'm doing somewhat better health-wise. I have more energy than I used to so I feel like I'm not sick enough anymore to be as tired as I still am and using mobility aids is just making a big deal out of nothing, and it's like I'm back to square one on all the emotional work I did to let myself use them in the first place.

comments

ALABANZA-VERSE SERIES FIC POST

Thu, 13 Dec 2018 20:45:35 GMT

Looking for a fic series about parenting and family with enough queerness, trans & nonbinary characters, disability, mental health issues, and kinky polyamory to choke a horse? Look no further! The Alabanza-verse is a Voltron: Legendary Defender S4 canon AU (because I started writing it back in early 2017) future-fic series about all those things and more. The Alabanza series centers around Keith, Lance, and their kids. The How the Dead Live series centers around Matt, Shiro, and Allura; it takes place in the Alabanza-verse, but can be read as a standalone series on its own. Current WIP fic is Atlas, involving Matt's adventures in trying to heal from two truly terrible decades through tabletop roleplay games, kink, a pet lizard named Cat, and hopefully some goddamn therapy.

( ALABANZA SERIES )

( HOW THE DEAD LIVE SERIES )

comments

Tumblr finally defeats its archnemesis: tumblr

Tue, 11 Dec 2018 08:23:28 GMT

If you're here because I'm [sheathandshear] on tumblr: hi! With the Tumblrpocalypse incoming, I'm potentially migrating back to this blog after six years of radio silence here. (Discovering a post I made here about graduating high school: yikes.) I hope that Dreamwidth will become fandom's home again -- I hated Tumblr and still miss LJ -- but things remain to be seen. Watch this space, I guess... In the meantime, though, I will start posting fic things here again.

comments

Dropping by to give 'em an, "Eurgh."

Sat, 05 Mar 2011 09:38:36 GMT

Why is so much of Glee fic so skeevy? *shudders*

Also, expect Inception ReverseBang and overdue Sweet Charity fics sometime... soonish.

comments

Fanmix/Fic: xenization [Supernatural, Ruby/Lilith, R]

Sat, 04 Dec 2010 17:21:41 GMT

I'm not sure if I'm too happy about how this turned out - Ruby is a very difficult character to write right - but I'm posting it anyway.

XENIZATION
Supernatural; Ruby/Lilith, R.

( Some come from the cities, bodies stuffed into moth-eaten coats, dragging suitcases tied together with string. )

comments

Writing is hard! Also, when did I turn into word vomit Hemingway?

Sat, 06 Nov 2010 03:28:00 GMT

What the hell why is this fic so long and self-indulgent and repressed, I feel I have said nothing in a lot of words.

comments

Academic articles. Oh man.

Tue, 02 Nov 2010 04:05:13 GMT

"Bla bla bla professional pride bla bla circuitous logic bla bla LET ME ILLUSTRATE THE WAYS IN WHICH YOU ARE WRONG bla conclusion."

ETA: Too bad "this is a load of self-indulgent crap" is not a viable thesis.

comments

Ready, ya'll? It's fake-poll time!

Sat, 18 Sep 2010 03:47:29 GMT

Using a Flickr photo as the base layer for a manip, while crediting the original artist, is:

- Tacky
- Awesome
- Sadly, no ticky box.

Putting your own cover of a song (i.e. that you've recorded) into a fanmix is:

- Tacky
- Awesome
- Lack of ticky box :(

comments

Continuing in the vein of poetic characterization, we now have Captain Jack Harkness, and how.

Fri, 03 Sep 2010 22:09:54 GMT

THE HAND IN THE SPECIMEN JAR

This is an introduction to someone whose face you won’t recall.
This is goodbye without the rest of the body.
This is what stopped having a pulse.
This is a reason to go on living.
This is a specimen of loss. This is finders keepers.
This is Thursday when actually it's Monday.
This is coming home to a dog and one-third of the neighbor’s cat.
This is a departure from Rachmaninov.
This is possession.
This is letting go.

- Arlene Ang

comments

I should probably mention I've been recently obsessed with this fandom. Also, Atwood.

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 02:49:49 GMT

WE ARE HARD ON EACH OTHER | Margaret Atwood

i.
We are hard on each other
and call it honesty,
choosing our jagged truths
with care and aiming them across
the neutral table.

The things we say are
true; it is our crooked
aims, our choices
turn them criminal.

ii.
Of course your lies
are more amusing:
you make them new each time.

Your truths, painful and boring
repeat themselves over & over
perhaps because you own
so few of them.

iii.
A truth should exist,
it should not be used
like this. If I love you

is that a fact or a weapon?

...Somewhere in this poem, there is an Eames/Arthur story desperately crying out to be written.

comments